ISIS LEADER VOWS TO CONTINUE CAMPAIGN UNLESS ABC BOWS TO HIS DEMANDS
Mosul, Iraq, September 5th
Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, largely acknowledged as the leader of the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS), vowed yesterday that the group's bloody march to the establishment of a new caliphate will not cease unless ABC resurrects their sitcom "Phenom" for the 21st century.
"Phenom" was a rather unremarkable situation comedy aired by ABC from 1993 to 1994 that featured Angela Goethals as a teenaged tennis wunderkind. The series lasted one season before being cancelled.
The cast also included Judith Light and William Devane
"As muslims we know that there is no other God but Allah and Mohammed is his messenger," he addressed a group of supporters Thursday before continuing, "...but 'Phenom' runs a very tight 3rd place." The assembled group appeared slightly confused by Baghdadi's words then began slowly nodding their heads in agreement as if to shamefully say, "How could we have forgotten?"
"The rising tide of the infidels and the perverters of Mohammed's teachings will be purged from our land and their blood will mark the dawn of a new age under Almighty Allah! Unless, of course 'Phenom' returns to Tuesday nights at 8:30pm. Then we will lose ourselves in the struggles of an exceptional young teenager attempting to balance her God-given talents with the social life so many young people cherish."
Baghdadi expressed his outrage at ABC in a rather incisive and penetrating manner when he questioned, "why the infidels at ABC would cancel a program that kept 95percent of 'Full House's' lead-in audience! It makes no sense! The systematic forced conversion and/or indiscriminate murder of those we deem Godless seems downright tame in comparison!"
When reached for comment the president of ABC Television, Anne Sweeney said that there are no plans for "Phenom" relaunch and that "ABC Television does not negotiate with terrorists."